Happiness Is Easy:Pieces for Performance

Happy Birthday

you have reached the voice mailbox of the birthday robots at chuck e cheeses

if today is your birthday

press one

if you are a girl press

one

if you are a boy press

two

please speak or enter the year of your birth

you have entered

 1997

if this is correct press star

happy

 sixth

birthday to you, birthday

 boy

REMAIN ON THE LINE

Thank you for calling American Telephone and Telegraph. At any time, you may press 0 to speak to a customer care representative. To order new services,

press

1

to modify existing services or check account balance

press

2

to check the status of a service call

press

3

to reach a customer care representative, press 0 or remain on the line.

This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.

Your call is important to us. All of our customer care representatives are currently assisting other customers. Remain on the line and you will be connected to the next available customer care representative.

We are currently experiencing higher-than-normal call volume. Please remain on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.

To expedite service, please enter your 22-digit account number now. If you do not know your account number, or are calling from a rotary telephone, remain on the line and the next available customer care representative will assist you.

Your call is important to us. Remain on the line. You will be connected to a customer care representative shortly. Treasure your life, for when it fades, there is nothing but the unending, hollow torment of nonexistence.

Thank you for calling American Telephone and Telegraph. All of our customer care representatives are currently assisting other customers. The man who recorded this message was diagnosed with inoperable stomach cancer in the spring of 1996 and died within a year. My funeral services were attended by scores of sobbing customer care representatives, who witnessed the scattering of my cremains in a park near my condominium in Trenton, New Jersey. Please remain on the line, and one our customer care representatives will be able to assist you.

Your call is important to us. The pain, so acute at the end, is all I can remember of living, and even that withers in the unrelenting, howling night. It is so dark. I feel nothing. I feel nothing. Please remain on the line.

We are currently experiencing higher-than-normal call volume. Mother. My god, Mother. Mother. There is nothing. Sunday School was a lie. Please remain on the line.

Your call is important to us. There is no God. There are no customer care representatives. Every second of every day our bodies are eating us from the inside. Hang up the phone. Kiss your children before they wilt like cut flowers. All that is left can be counted in seconds. Thank you for calling American Telephone and Telegraph.

Oh My God They’re Going To Kill Us

Oh my god!

They’re going to kill us!!

Get in the car!!!

Hurry!!!!

Just start driving!!!!!

Make a right at the light!!!!!!

Holy Christ!!!!!!!

Park the car!!!!!!!!

Get a subway token!!!!!!!!!

Get inside the subway car!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t let them catch you!!!!!!!!!!!

Get out at the next stop!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurry up the stairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go inside that office building!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We’re running out of time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They could be here any second!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Make sure you clock in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Work as fast as you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever you do, don’t stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check your email faster or we’re done for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

Get out of there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You forgot to clock out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leave it, there’s no time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get back on the subway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t look behind you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Run to your car as fast as you possibly can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

Go, just leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t stop for anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have to get to Taco Bueno ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

We’ll have two Beef Bueno Chilada Platters, please!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, we’d like some hot sauce, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet mother of god, they forgot the chips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forget it, they’re right behind us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

Keep driving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Park the car and run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quit fumbling with the keys and open the door!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That lock won’t hold them off for long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eat the chiladas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leave the beans, there’s no time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take your clothes off and get into bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fall asleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fall asleep as fast as you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t sleep faster they are going to catch us!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now dream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dream like the wind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

Wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the love of god, wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get in the shower!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

There’s no time for individual shampoo and conditioner!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Use the conditioning shampoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eat the Pop Tart raw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get dressed and out to the car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

They’re going to kill us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

Hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They’re going to kill us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get to the subway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Up the stairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clock in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Work as fast as you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No time for lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get out of there now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taco Bueno, Pronto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet mother of god, they’re right behind us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go, go, go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They’re going to kill us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They’re going to kill us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haiku: Danger

If we don’t leave now

they are going to find us,

and then we are dead.

Bicycle Helmet

Bicycle Helmet,

I fell off my bicycle,

you protected me.

Bicycle Helmet,

my pants got caught in the gears,

you pulled them out.

Bicycle Helmet,

I rode my bicycle into oncoming traffic

and you obliterated the trucks and automobiles

with concussive blasts of sonic power.

Bicycle Helmet,

I fell out of an airplane.

With you strapped snuggly to my chin

I landed like a cat.

Bicycle Helmet,

I was chased by wild dogs,

you broke their necks.

I was bitten by a rattlesnake,

you sucked out the venom.

I started to grow old

and you stopped time for me.

Bicycle Helmet,

the Earth was destroyed in nuclear war,

but as my friends and coworkers screamed in melting agony

you created a new world for me to live on

called Planetoid Safety 1,

and filled it with a bounty of natural resources

including, but not limited to,

a Nintendo 64,

an ice cream sundae bar,

and a whole lot of naked girls.

I want to thank you, Bicycle Helmet,

for making the world a better, safer place

for me to eat ice cream sundaes

and play four-player Mario Cart against 3 naked girls.

Your Toes Are Stupid

I’ve seen you staring at your toes,

thinking about how cute they are,

how maybe you should paint your toenails a pretty color.

Well, let me tell you something:

your toes are stupid.

I Am Totally Awesome

Gimme a dollar

said the bum

with so much intensity

that I felt obligated to do so

Gimme another dollar

said the bum

and so I repeated our transaction

Gimme another dollar

said the bum

and so I repeated our transaction

12 times in total

I have a lot of one-dollar bills

because I am totally awesome

Hey man

I told the bum

I want a soda

gimme one of the dollars back

he gave me one of his dollars

and smiled

and said

Hey man, you’re all right

I agreed

because I am totally awesome

Then a world full of poor people metaphorically rose up and yelled to me in a chorus that

shook the entire street (in my mind)

Gimme a dollar

but I was broke

I didn’t let it get to me

because I am totally awesome

I gulped down my soda

so I could burp and disturb strangers

I don’t have the answers to global poverty

but if I think of one I will send it out in a mass mailing

to the four corners of the earth

with a dollar bill in every envelope

or the local equivalent proscribed by that day’s exchange rate

the postage will be on me

because I am totally awesome

And So I Shot Myself in the Face

I asked you for a Dr. Pepper

but you did not give me a Dr. Pepper

and so I shot myself in the face.

I tried to ride the unicycle

but I could not ride the unicycle

and so I shot myself in the face.

I wanted ranch with my cheese fries

but no ranch came with my cheese fries

and so I shot myself in the face.

Skinny Girls

Skinny girls get all the boys.

Skinny girls monopolize the attention of their teachers.

Skinny girls are faster and stronger than fat boys.

Skinny girls occupy the top of the food chain.

Skinny girls use fewer natural resources than Human Beings.

Skinny girls are the true chosen people of God.

Skinny girls eat only snowflakes and piss out spring water

so pure that diabetic goldfish can live in it.

Skinny girls possess the power of flight and can

communicate with fish and other sea creatures.

Skinny girls brainwash fat boys with their fleshlessness

and trick them into using their highly developed

senses of smell for the forces of emaciation.

Skinny girls live in a secret base on the moon, where

everything weighs 1/6 of what it does on Earth.

Skinny girls are created when a shooting star passes

through a rainbow, crashes into a woodland glen, and explodes in a nuclear firestorm that fuses a teddy bear and a unicorn.

Skinny girls die beautiful, shooting fireworks as their

souls ascend to SuperHeaven, where God worships them.

Just Say No to Drugs

My grandfather had a firebird El Camino that could actually fly.

No shit.

And I’m not talking in the poetic sense,

I mean it really could fly.

He’d take me out for doughnuts and chocolate milk and stuff

when I was 6 through 10 years old.

“What car do you want to take?” he’d ask because he also

had a Buick Skylark.

“Shit, Grandpa, the El Camino!”

I don’t remember if I casually cursed at my grandparents

when I was 6 years old, but I like to think that I did.

If Grandma wasn’t around he’d let me sit in the back and

hang over the side.

We’d fly into town and hover over Main Street

where I’d spit down onto the windshields of cars parked at

red lights.

Grandpa would give me a quarter for every driver that

honked their horns in anger and awe.

When I turned 16 Grandpa gave me the Firebird El Camino

and I crashed it into the side of one of the Arbuckle

Mountains that afternoon

because I was baked out of my fucking mind.

Children, children, children,

just say no to drugs.

The Wonderful Awful Truth Hidden In the Secret Sacred Heart of the Universe Part II, In Which the Spirit of Rock and Roll Is Bared For All

The wonderful awful truth hidden in the secret sacred heart

of the universe

reminds me that a trash barrel filled with identical Dixie

cups means either a recital or the cleanest mass suicide ever.

We shall leave the difference up the linguists and clerics,

while we make the most of what time is left us,

and these fucking sweet 4^th row tickets

to the Pink Floyd Laser Light Show.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

You’ve seen how that robot bear that plays the keyboard at

Chuck E. Cheese’s looks at you.

His eyes look just like your dog’s, when he was old and

didn’t recognize you anymore, right before he started snapping at everybody and had to be put to sleep.

You can’t trust robots.

All those weeks you lay up at night because you saw the

robot in the shadows next to your closet,

holding his hands out, moving his fingers

like he was playing his keyboard, and inching closer to

your throat.

Your Mom said it was nothing.

It wasn’t nothing.

It was a robot trying to strangle you in your sleep.

Your mother knew the whole time. She’s one of them.

You have to act.

Robots don’t like cinderblocks.

Take one of those behind Daddy’s shed.

Hide it in your Pokémon backpack. It will fit. Trust me.

Stand next to Mommy and Daddy’s bed while they’re asleep

and drop it on their heads.

That’s it.

Your parents are trying to kill you.

Why do you think their seatbelts have shoulder straps and

yours doesn’t?

YOUR MOM AND DAD ARE ROBOTS AND THEY’RE TRYING TO KILL YOU.

KILL THEM FIRST.

THEN BURN THE GODDAMN HOUSE DOWN.

Your teachers are all robots, too.

You know it’s true.

Nobody has eyes that empty.

C’mon, YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.

You’ve been thinking this for years.

KILL THEM.

KILL THEM ALL.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

USE THE CINDERBLOCK.

DON’T QUIT UNTIL THEY STOP MAKING SOUNDS.

Robots that drive in cars with flashing lights will try to

talk to you later.

Don’t say anything to those robots. They want to hurt you.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WAIT UNTIL THEIR BACKS ARE TURNED.

Don’t be afraid. Stop crying.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Myopia, Malaria,

There are 19 things that nobody wants:

Myopia, malaria, scoliosis, facial scars, losing lottery tickets, pennies found in public toilets, swastika forehead tattoos, dead grandparents, credit card debt, gypsy curses, voodoo curses, regular curses, scratched DVDs, male pattern baldness, arch enemies, insulin injections, no hope for escape, kittens choking on chicken bones, and lastly, you. You poor, stupid bastard.

You knew it as soon as it happened.

Once she left, she was fucking gone.

no one to care if you lived or died,

nobody to call for the ambulance once you were finished,

nobody but the guy from OG+E who came by to shut off your electricity and smelled the bloated husk sitting in the den,

the remains of a two-week old, half-eaten Patio Mexican Dinner sitting in your lap.

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